I am pleased to announce I have finally coded and uploaded the last entries from my journal. After reading through the last pages, it became clear to me I'll have to write a #30 to clear up some items. As I'm in a constant state of revision, and learning; there were a lot of assumptions I made in those pages, some have turned out to be correct, others false. I believe I even stated something to this point in the very beginning when I first started writing.
     What I'm going to write for the final entry I'm not exactly sure, as my current writing endeavor (this thought of the day page) is in a sense a more informed opinion of issues I first tackled when I wrote the journal. What I might do, is go through one by one, and re-visit each entry, each issue - and comment on it. In a sense going back and evaluating what I once thought.
     I think we all do this at one time or another. We all know when we were younger, the world was ours and anything was possible. When we get older our views change slightly. Realism and factual data take more precedence then the imagination and wishful thinking. Suddenly the possibilities begin to dry up.
     We all believe we are going to be astronauts, firemen, and policemen when we were younger, perhaps even wanting to be the president. The world held such great possibilities. A blanket tied about the neck, enabled you to fly. A simple walk through the forest, turned into a expedition. Everything around us held the air of mysterious and magical.

     Now though, we're all definitely older, supposedly wiser, and perhaps even more knowledgeable about what's going on around us. Which is why it should be interesting to go back and comment on all the entries I originally wrote, I'm looking back on the words with a more informed view... Or am I? Who's to say I know more now then I did then? The only difference between then and now, is that my horizons have been narrowed, views hardened. Where before I would take everything as a possibility. Now what one person considers fact, I consider fiction. I have formed opinions, become more steadfast in my views.
     Of course this is all to be taken in context, as I still try to maintain an open opinion of everything, as there are things which I believe very strongly in, yet I still try to understand any other side presented.

     Onto other matters.

     Yesterday, was the first day of summer, at least it was in my book. I walked outside, and for the first time, I was hit with a stifling heat, the sun was shining brightly and the humidity was definitely making its presence known.
     I hated every minute of it.
     I do not like the sun, I hate bright clear days, and I especially hate heat. Besides all that, there was an occurrence which took me for quite a surprise when I walked outside for that first time. I say first time, because ever since my 'awaking' many things which I experience on day to day basis, feel as if they're the 'first time.' Yesterday was a prime example. As soon as I stepped out into the heat, without a second thought, I started to pant, and tried to spread my 'wings.' I stopped for a full 20 seconds, thinking to myself 'what the hell am I doing?' The action I attempted, felt natural, but odd in the same respect.
     I didn't even miss a step as I walked outside. I opened my mouth and began to breath more rapidly, and also the thought went through my head 'I should unfurl my wings now, try to expel some heat.' The physics make perfect sense. A Dragons wings being twice the length of the body, would make excellent radiators, and panting... well scaled creatures don't 'sweat' so a good way to get rid of heat, is to pant. Similar to the way a dog does, but not by using the tongue to shed the heat, actually using the air drawn into the lungs to bring the core temperature down.
     Even though right now, I can stand being out in direct sunlight, I've done it before for hours... That was before the awaking. Now, it felt so uncomfortable, I experienced an almost irrational need to go find shade. I know I was an Onyx Dragon, total body color being black. Obviously, being out in the sun would be very uncomfortable. Question is why am I feeling this now, even though I don't possess the body any longer.

     Just as an after note, since I've been out in the sun more and more, the feeling is beginning to wear off. However, I am still experiencing the desire to find shade. I lived in Hawaii for a couple of years so I'm quite used to being cooked. This is a deep rooted feeling... "I have to find shade now.... Get out from under the sun no matter what... You're exposed... Everyone can see you and your going to cook yourself to death" Feelings of that nature.

     (Continued on 6-25-01)
     Ah, finally I have time to revisit this and continue the entry.

     You'll have to forgive me as to the lateness of this weeks post, there was an emergency I had to attend. I will not go into the particulars, but I will say I have traveled over 8,100 miles in the last 168 hours either by driving, or flying. I spent roughly 2,500 miles of my trip on the road, alone. You would think I'd have some earth shattering thoughts after all that time for silent contemplation. I do have some thoughts, but nothing to mention here. Most is personal inflection, which wouldn't have any value for the masses. But, in the interest of continuing to type something, I will.

     I have lost the ability to concentrate. Yes, believe it or not, I cannot do it. Let's take the core definition of what it is to concentrate. The way I look at it, is to take a singular item, and to ponder it. To look at a single thought, and see it for what it is, from all views and opinions. About a year ago, I could not do this. There were always too many thoughts running through my head at once. Like a multi-tasking computer, I will have a number of things I'm thinking about. In fact I'm doing right now. I'm not only thinking of what I'm typing, but I'm also thinking of what I'm going to write about next, the music I'm listening to, what's going on around me, the conversation which is taking place about 2 rows down.... On and on infinitum. There was a time when I was able to concentrate on one item, and that was when I was 'awakened' For whole hours, I could focus on a singular thought, a simple idea. Slowly though, over time I've lost the ability. Life regain its hold over me. Constantly worrying over, and thinking about everything.
     A good friend of mine, who can see quite a few things beyond what is normally seen, told me when I'm at my peak, I usually have 32 thoughts running through my head at once. Most I'm not even conscious of, but I'm thinking about none-the-less. Why this is, she could not understand, but it was definitely there in her opinion. It's likely the reason I'm so exhausted towards the end of the day. Why when I sleep - a fire alarm will not wake me up, no joke. I suppose, it makes sense. The only part of the body which needs sleep is the mind. Considering mine is going at warp 9 all the time, when it does get a chance to rest, it falls hard.
     I'm practically drowning myself in thought. I want to be able to return to the time when I didn't have a million thoughts running though my head at once. The ability to concentrate and focus on only one thing; amazing how some take it for granted.
     When I did have that ability to focus on only one thing, the concepts and ideas which I came up with were fantastic. Thoughts about myself, my history, the future... all sorts of wonderful things. Now I'm struggling to catch up. I don't know what to do to return to the state of concentration I once was able to attain. Like everything else in life, I know where I want to go, I'm just not too sure how to get there.
     There are a few more aspects of this I could go into. But my head hurts from thinking about it.

     What else... ah. There is one thing I did realize, something I most certainly want to mention. I drove from Indianapolis, to San Diego, stopping only once in Las Vegas. The first leg I drove 27 hours without stopping. Driving totally alone on a barren highway, only able to see the stars and landscape which hadn't been swallowed up by the darkness. The thoughts which will run through ones head while on a silent trip like this are scary.
     I can't recall a time I felt more humble and small, driving among the plain states, the Rockies, the painted desert. In one respect, I could take it all in with one glance, seeing everything about me with out too much effort. But there is so much land out there; so much damn space. It took me days of driving, and I only saw the most smallest fraction of what's really out there. I felt as a tiny ant on a never ending surface.
     Truly, how can any one person claim to 'own' any of it. The planet has been here long before any of us existed, and it will continue to be here after we are long forgotten. Like two fleas arguing over who has what spot on the back of a dog. When I think about all the disputes, all the arguments over who owns what, the argument takes on the air of laughable.
     It's so difficult to put into words what it felt like.
     I'm driving along in the car, dusk is overtaking the landscape. For the most part, I'm totally alone on the highway. I turn off the music I'm listening to, and stare outside, taking slow sweeping views of everything about. There's so much around me, infinitely complex, and older then I. So much... How can we possibly claim to know everything which is going on in this world? Can technology even attempt to monitor every square inch of land on this planet, at once? Not a chance. I get this feeling there is so much more going on which is happening all around us. Yet we don't even see it, because we're so concerned with out little corner of existence. Awe, perhaps that's the word I'm looking for; no, maybe respect, perhaps even a slight understanding.
     I've always had a 'grander view' of what's going on, taking in the 'big picture' vs. what's happening just around me, this trip seems to have reinforced the feeling.

     It makes me wonder some times, what will be here on the planet when Homo Sapiens time is up.

     -Kalte's quotable quotes
     heard from some song lyrics on my trip
     "It came from the deep, to help and understand - but not to cure.
     It takes many lives till you succeed.
     To clear the debts of many, many hundreds of years."

     "What we are afraid of, shows us what were made of, in the end..."